snip snip

snip snip and away my hair goes.. today i cut it, it has never been this short excluding birth to age 4 when it was still growing. its just so refreshing, i feel great and i love it, even though people tell me i look like a totally different person now. its short and has a lot of versitility i can even mohawk it with gel and i will... oh i will.

amos goes back to work tomorrow and my day is packed with appts. things to do, bills to pay and general housework. im getting to feel back to where i was, like myself again, but for now i am still goign to play it safe with the meds and just take the smallest dose possible.

this morning after waking up and realizing amos let me sleep in till 10 was i love my husband.. then it was OH CRAP IM LATE... and i had to call and reschedule my physical therepy appt to later this afternoon.

well since he has to go towork i madehim go with me to the store we restocked everything, i have been relaying on my staples a bit to much and ran out of everything. so $540 later and the sheves are back to being stocked and the freezer over floweth. i had to promise not to let it get that bad again.

i just finished my book today, and i guess joss was mad i was reading she told me NO BOOK MAMA. when i put it down she told me thankyou. LOL Kids. im going to the libray tomorrow when im am out running errands and i will get a new one.

talk about random

the past 2 nights i have actually slept and it has been amazing. im have truely missed a good nights sleep. today i woke refreshed and ready, so i ended up being more productive today then i have been in weeks. . . WEEKS!.. I did laundry, dishes, sweeping, going to the playground, playing outside, reading a book, making dinner. these are things i would normally do but since i was in such a funk for the past 6-8 weeks it was a struggle to do anything, well more then 2 things a day instead of all of them in one.

the kids are insane i tell you insane, it seems sometimes that balian miss's joss more then me. joss is fighting sleep the best she can and even with biting her lips and bumping her head she would fight and fight laying down. balian is still needing to be swaddeled to sleep, and is unable to be moved once he does fall asleep.

i cant wait for payday, amos and i agreed that we can spend $30 each on evony. its a online game we both play together. i also cant wait for a minispa day for myself as a late anniversity gift as well as dinner and getting amos a present since we didnt get to celbrate our anniversity since joss was sick and out sitter was fired.

i started taking the new meds, but for now im going to stay on the lower dose and see how that goes, instead of upping it on saturday to double what it is.

we are going to try to get in on the next marriage retreat to garmish again. i hope when amos goes back to work its not full. if we can we will drive this time and take out bikes instead of going by bus.

i still need to find a hair style i like, i have 60E to go get it cut. ive wanted my hair cut for a long time im just so tired of having the same style since high school and beyond. i need a change and my hair is the place to start it grows back if i dont like it.

Finding my center is harder each time

Ive just stared at this bottle of meds all day, and havent taken the 1st one. Maybe im just not that confidant in it just yet. Maybe i just need to Google Citalopram A BIT MORE... before i take it, since i have no idea about this med. only that its similar to Zolft and its top side effect is trouble sleeping, and being on and off Zoloft for 5+yrs means that those feelings of being lost and hopeless ment i hit a wall and it was the meds working against me, *at which point i did a reverse and weaned myself off the Zoloft and have been off it for a week now, starting to feel kinda normal again.

i do feel like i did the right thing, i went to the doc the moment i realized that it wasn't me making me feel like that, it was the meds and i needed to change. though i dont really trust myself without medication at this point.

the Insominia i suffer from is from to many things to leave me to my own devices. Im still startling at any big sound, im still cant get that string of days and nights out of my head, seeing those images, but ive stopped therapy because that just made it 100X's worse, avoidance for me at this point is the easiest thing. ive talked to amos, and was completely honest when i said, at the point i am (*this was 2 weeks ago) if it wasnt for our kids and me wanting to be the best mom i can for them, i would just commit myself to the nearest psych hospital till i felt ok again or felt like i had a vacation and relaxed.

sleep is the luxury i want more then anything, its not the kids keeping me up, its everything in my head. The sleep ive been getting (sleep thats lasted more then 4hrs a night) has come from being on PEROCOCET to help with the shoulder pain i have where my entire arm goes numb and tingles sometimes for hours on end.

im so thankful that the kids sitter is able to watch them again. (since im EFMP i get 40hrs per kid paid childcare). *(she took 2 months of leave to sort out a issue the program was having*)... and maybe having no time to myself added to all the overwhelmed feeling i had. but the insomia was there since feb. im just glad im not having nightmares, HAHAH they only come when you sleep. looks like irony to me.

i feel so broken right now, and i just want to pick of the pieces of me and put myself back together so i can function again and not be dependent medication to get through the day.

I have a small list of things im going to do now to give time back to myself to focus on centering.
1. blog * getting it out and being able to go back and read it later has always helped me, why i stopped i dont really know.
2. read, i love to read and just haing a story going to focus on gives me a needed distraction.
3. yoga, or at least meditate its helped in the past no harm in trying it agian.
4. remember ...

Lets start here...

since ive stopped blogging on myspace, ive suffered more sleep deprived nights then i have hoped. i gave it (blogging) up to get more time to sleep. so now here i am at it again trying to use this as a place to rid my mind of its clutter, or to Write my way to clarity.

Lets journey together to see where it takes us...

1. i start new meds on friday #1 sideeffect is sleeplessness. UMM im allready have that problem thanks.

2. the physical therepy for my shoulder is awesome.

and now its time to make dinner