Ive just stared at this bottle of meds all day, and havent taken the 1st one. Maybe im just not that confidant in it just yet. Maybe i just need to Google Citalopram A BIT MORE... before i take it, since i have no idea about this med. only that its similar to Zolft and its top side effect is trouble sleeping, and being on and off Zoloft for 5+yrs means that those feelings of being lost and hopeless ment i hit a wall and it was the meds working against me, *at which point i did a reverse and weaned myself off the Zoloft and have been off it for a week now, starting to feel kinda normal again.
i do feel like i did the right thing, i went to the doc the moment i realized that it wasn't me making me feel like that, it was the meds and i needed to change. though i dont really trust myself without medication at this point.
the Insominia i suffer from is from to many things to leave me to my own devices. Im still startling at any big sound, im still cant get that string of days and nights out of my head, seeing those images, but ive stopped therapy because that just made it 100X's worse, avoidance for me at this point is the easiest thing. ive talked to amos, and was completely honest when i said, at the point i am (*this was 2 weeks ago) if it wasnt for our kids and me wanting to be the best mom i can for them, i would just commit myself to the nearest psych hospital till i felt ok again or felt like i had a vacation and relaxed.
sleep is the luxury i want more then anything, its not the kids keeping me up, its everything in my head. The sleep ive been getting (sleep thats lasted more then 4hrs a night) has come from being on PEROCOCET to help with the shoulder pain i have where my entire arm goes numb and tingles sometimes for hours on end.
im so thankful that the kids sitter is able to watch them again. (since im EFMP i get 40hrs per kid paid childcare). *(she took 2 months of leave to sort out a issue the program was having*)... and maybe having no time to myself added to all the overwhelmed feeling i had. but the insomia was there since feb. im just glad im not having nightmares, HAHAH they only come when you sleep. looks like irony to me.
i feel so broken right now, and i just want to pick of the pieces of me and put myself back together so i can function again and not be dependent medication to get through the day.
I have a small list of things im going to do now to give time back to myself to focus on centering.
1. blog * getting it out and being able to go back and read it later has always helped me, why i stopped i dont really know.
2. read, i love to read and just haing a story going to focus on gives me a needed distraction.
3. yoga, or at least meditate its helped in the past no harm in trying it agian.
4. remember ...
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