milestones and time

my little boy is growing so fast, tonight he started taking his first steps unassisted, 2-3 at a time before falling to his butt but he kept getting up and trying again. he would hold on and cruise for a while till he would get to the end of that furniture then step step step fall crawl up step cruise step cruise...

he has also been taking all the pot and pans out of the cabinet 4 or 5 times today. and his sister is showing him how to get into things. man are we going to have our hands full, once he starts to run/walk/jump...

today we went to the park/playground because joss was driving me batty, once she woke up she got dressed ate put her shoes on.. (when im still in PJ's, not even having my shower yet) and tells me she is going to see her friends today. so i call them, they cant come over till Tuesday afternoon. we were there for 2 hours, she kept complaining baout her leg hurt. :(

so tomorrow i get my stiches out. thank goodness they are catching and pulling. im back to myself 82% of the time. i have appts for all my followups and stuff.

i also have appt for the kids so they can get the CDC/CYS physicals to so i can get them in hourly care. as well as a appt to get the tires put on my car/balance/rotation/alighnment.

tomorrow i also run a few odds and ends errands when the kids at being watched. funtimes..

what awaits . . .

hard to believe that in 10 months we will be back in the states and amos will be out of the army.

im looking for a place to settle down, trying to figure out transportation, childcare, work, college ect... where the money will come in at and where it will have to go.
at this point i know a few things..

1. i want a back yard thats fenced so the kids can play.
2. small town life is for me.
   
3. indiana
4. i want togo to school first
5. i love my kids and i want to them to have family around them.
   
6. i WILL come back to EUROPE at least once every 5yrs-10 yrs.
   

a week later

so its been a week since my pre-op runaround and im still dealing with Tricare. But at least were onthe a same page now .

i finally got pain meds on tuesday. my stiches come out next monday at 1030 with zee germans ja.

my repeat upper GI is with americans at Landstuhl.

my hospital adventure... thursday-sunday

lets start with Thursday, i went to the first place like i was told and that started the wild goose chase of the day, i went from place to place, at the end of the day it was time for my Upper GI, where one of the problems was found that has been causing my upset stomach as well. I have silent reflux. which was nice to know because i hadn't eaten all day!!! So i have to start meds and have a followup GI done in 4-6 weeks.

I was sent home Thursday without knowing my surgery time, i had to call for that. But i repacked my bag and tried to rest. i was not allowed to eat for at least 6 hrs prior to surgery.

Friday after giving the kids kisses and having the sitter show up i left with Amos to the hospital. i got shown my room prepped, and got on the bed then rolled down the hall, leaving Amos with my stuff in the hall. once in the pre-op room i got a bathroom break before i got the oxygen mask and felt the first injection make the room go dizzy.

I woke up numbed but wanting my glasses *Amos had them* and needing to go to the bathroom. they made me tell them the date, and my name as well as date of birth before i was wheeled back on the bed to the hospital room where i heard Amos in the hall. *i was looking for him and asking for him.. .. i didnt even get in the room for very long before the meds from the surgery wore off and i was writihing in pain, beating the call bottom for relief.. i have never felt a pain as intense as this, no gallbladder attack, not labor, not my csections.. nothing.. this pain was blinding and i was not expecting it. the rest of the day into the night was spent ringing for pain meds at the slightest discomfort. i wasn't even allowed to drink water or get up to pee without help.

Saturday i woke up sore and crampy, this i was warned about, the tired abs feeling like "to much time at the gym'.. i was crampy and gassy, moving hurt but at least i was able to get up on my own accord and not have to ring for help to get to the bathroom.

Saturday i was allowed to eat, i was given 1 small pot of coffee (4 - 4ox glasses), 1 roll, 1 slice of cheese, 1 tab of butter, 1 "restaurant style" serving of jam, and 1 slice of wheat bread. eating hurt but it was nice to drink water.

i got my last IV feed pain med before lunch. Amos and the kids came to see me in the afternoon for just a few hours, it was nice but exhausting.

i couldn't sleep Saturday night, i heard the guy down the hall Yell for HELFEN-HELP!! for what seemed like forever, it took forever to get comfortable, and the old women in the room with me snored louder then any man i have ever meet, and when she did get quite i could of swore she was dying with deathly gasps.

this older women got mad at me for not understanding her German till i and the nurses explained i was a American. then we spoke some broken German to each other, small talk.. she then started to expect me to do things for her, but i was in pain and i just started pushing the nurse bottom for her whenever she started to bother me. especially when she wanted help to go ot the bathroom.

so Sunday... time the doc said i can go home and recover the rest of the way. i was given another ultrasound, a discharge letter to take to my army doc, a note for Amos to get out of work for 2 weeks, told i cant lift more then 5lbs/5KG=12lbs) and i came home after lunch.

weird things that also happened, Green breast milk.. seems that peppermint tea will dye your milk naturally. hmm interesting

out of one to go to another

we signed out joss against doctors advice today, in fact we just left without getting or discharge papers, because they didnt want to give them to us... YET.. they didnt do anything to joss other then check her eyes for diliation the whole time we were there. It took going to landstuhl's ER (LRMC) to get a Xray and diagonise on her sprained knee.

i go to SOJO (st josphf) to my pre-op/Upper GI tomorrow. and Friday i still have my surgery on the calender. I told amos i will do my best to say 3 days but i think i will only make it 24 hrs at best. he is taking 7 days of leave to help out.

IN the meantime ive been reduced to eating only fruits and veggies oh and breads, it seems like everything else makes me ill.

poor joss, is walking with a limp, and cant run or walk for more then 5 mins at a time. she doesnt like this one bit. i wouldnt either.

going to the hospital

wow how fun a week long stay at hospitals...

let me explain...

we were at the playground... joss was playing on the equipment, something she has "conquered" for about a year now, while i was getting some sticks and rocks out of balians mouth.

she was climbing up to the Tube slide, (*the tallest slide) and slipped, she fell... 7 ft or 3.3M on her head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

she wasn't bleeding, but she was crying saying it hurt and limping on her right leg.

i went home packed the kids up and went to the ER, calling amos to inform him of my local.

*got lost to ER, * 45 mins later, she was admitted to the hospital for observation.

her right knee and around it is bruised but not super swollen she can still walk. she was still complaining of her right hip/butt being OWIEE... Wednesday if it still hurts she will get Xrays, but no Xrays or CAT scans yet.

we hope she will get released a day early and not have to stay till Thursday. because im still due for a Upper GI Thursday and Friday is still my surgery. though that might have to be rescheduled. all i can eat is fruit and veggies/grains without getting icky or chicken/tuna.

for now amos will stay the night with her and i will do days, so im not stuck in a hospital for almost a week straight.

that yucky feeling

let me begin with toddlers pick up on words that they dont really grasp the full meaning of...

case in point.. YUCKY

now if anything... ANYTHING..anything.. Gets on her clothes its now Yucky and needs to be stripped off, all except her pull-ups.. they arent yucky till she wants a new character and will scream, kick, tantrum if you try to take it off, or put the wrong character one.

so when we were out running errands and i started to get that doubled over feeling and had to stop driving, she understood when i said mommy Yucky...

i got a good majority of my list complete, the rest can be pushed off on another day. but once home i did pack at least my clothes just incase.

sleeping arrangements

well the toy/play room is gone, it is now Balians room and Joss has her own room. to many times they have woken the other up from sleep so far so awesome!

i dyed my hair "copper kiss" (orange/auburn red color) and i really like it. it lightens my features.

to do list for monday. ** in no special order** from wake up to bedtime

1. stop by tricare, get paperwork, leaison, misc for thurday and friday
2. get mail, and mail out amber kinder necklaces
3. go to commissary and buy some "hideaway snacks for hospital" *this time i go in prepared*
4. start packing for hospital * bag, activites, clothes, pillow, my blanket, ipod?*
   
5. knitting group to figure this knitting thing out. *its my thing to do besides read at hospital*
6. buy crochet hooks and other yarn just in case knitting is out of my patience range.
   
7. cancel other appts that were for this week.
8. return lost water bottle
   
9. laundry put away and move kids clothes to there new bedrooms
10. keep house picked up.
    

even with this weather

the plan was to go on a walk downtown, stop by the market then come home. well that happened plus some. i did walk downtown with the kids and a neighbor, we did go to the market and the gummy store, but then... we went looking for shoes, found some we loved but couldnt afford :( not without a VATform anyway. then we ended up buying the kids some new clothes. with joss its easy to buy hand me downs. she got all but 2 things in the boys dept. :P \

i decided this time since i know i will be stuck at the hospital again i would do something worthwhile with my time... so i got supplies to start kniting from a friend and i have a crash course tomorrow at the playground.

joss wore 2 of her new shirts all day, but decided her sweatshirt was broken becaue it didnt have a hood sewn on. balian wont rock anything till tomorrow. but both kids liked the walk and the noodles we got at the noodle house, the pretzel, and the grapes. i liked the walk even if it was on and off drizzey that is till my knees started swelling at home.

after that we were bums around the house, no naps took place once we got home which ment early bedtimes.

my scrip to help the gallbladder infection seems to be working great, only 2 more days of pills. monday will be busy going to make sure all the forms are done right.

ironic dont you think...

as much as i have been telling amos, i want to commit myself for inpatient psych care, here i am next week going to have to be in the hospital for 3 days post surgery. *he jokes i will sign myself out against docs orders again on day 2*.

so here is the deal-o yo...
yesterday was such a great and amazing day, the kids napped they behaved, i got to clean and pickup, errands were run. all and all amazing day even if i count the dizzy/lightheaded feeling i started having around 1:30ish in the afternoon, even if you count the sudden and sever pain i was in at dinner time and most of the night. (*yes dad i ate prunes and banana's to help settle things just to try to sleep, and yes it did kinda work*)

about midnight i tell amos im thinking about going to the ER by taxi if i dont feel better by 3am. i was alseep by then.

so this morning i wake up to watch a friends daughter for a hour while she did something, and wait for the guy who bought the car. well i missed her because i was in pain in another part of the house, but i got downstairs enough to get our money from that guy and give him the key.

for breakfast i ate 2 slices of toast to help settle my stomach, well that and a cup of herbal tea just made it worse. at 847am i call amos at work and i TELL him to come home now, i need to go to the ER. he shows up almost a hour later.

938 am im at st. joe *where i had balian* and filling out paperwork, at 953am i was put in a room. from that time on, i had 3 total ultrasounds, *2 in house at the ER and 1 where i went up to the speciality clinic*, gave 6 viles of blood, 1 pee sample, 1 poo sample, and i had 2 consults with Gastro & Surgery, and still saw a total of 3 interns for medical history, vitals, ect and 2 nurses.

OH did i mention i was there for 8 hr!!!!!!!!!!

i have a upper GI on Thursday the 23 and surgery on that friday 24. with 3 days of post op at the hospital.

during this time balian will be getting formula for the first time ever and im actually ok with that, ive not been able to put for anything for a longggggggg time. mostly because ive dealt with gall bladder attacks and pain since 2004, and i have 3 big stones. in fact each US tech said wow that's big.!!!!!!!... 2X3mm, 3X5mm, AND 3X3mm SIZE STONES. so getting it out is a relief.

so the diagnosis... i have a infection in my gallbladder, its in the early stages so i was started on antibiotics and surgery was scheduled, because i have stones, and causing pain as well as reoccurring.

that changes everything

im finally found someone from the VA who can help me. im applying for disability compensation and i need to make copies of all my med records to send with my stuff. even though we were at landstuhl i didnt make it up to mental health today, but i will next week for sure.

my Bestest friend Thomas reappeard in my life today :D and its awesome, i even talked to him on the phone. He has been divorced but engaged now to a better person. we talked and caught up on a lot, back to where it feels like we werent even apart..

amos is FTA mode so we are looking at what awaits us in the civilian world. i always told him i would support his decision, but i think his doc appt today had a lot to do with it. Hes broken from being in so long.

kids are driving me batty. i really need to get naptime and bed time backin order, as well as jossy startng to go potty again. she now demands only pullups and screams at diaper and the potty.

does it make you feel better.

1st things first, i think im just going to slowly wean off the meds i got almost 6hrs of sleep last night. i think just blogging is helping as i use it as my mental dumping ground so i can clear my head.

but whats up with all these people from High School sending me messages on facebook saying sorry for being mean and being to worried about what others think. . . apparently i was to busy reading and being my own person to notice. next year is the 10yr HS reunion. yet while i look at there profiles i realize they still live in the same area still dating the same people, and still doing the same things they did in high school. Im living in Germany,and not hung up on things like them.

makes me smile.

she just wont listen

Thats it!!!! when we go to landstuhl with Amos on Wednesday im going to try to get a same day appt to talk to someone else. This women here just put me back on Zoloft and upped it to double what i was taking when i went to see her and stopped taking it becaue i was feeling more hopeless... she keeps telling me im depressed and my "depression" is just manifesting itself differntly. She is so busy trying to push me to wean so i can take prozac shes not listening to me and my symptoms.

now do i take the zoloft or just forget about all meds till i can talk to someone else. this is the internal debate at the moment. Should i be happy with the little sleep im getting. *she claims i must not be that sleep deprived becase im in her office functioning* or should i demand my 6-8hrs?

i wish there was another Psych doc there that could perscribe meds, and not treat my BFing as the plague. Since i cant sleep im up googling safe sleep medication and anxity meds for BFing mothers. (*something where weightgain and insominia arent inteh top 10 side effects*)

so wednesday im going to beg for

Sleep Aids				[contents]
Zolpidem/Zolpidem Tartrate	Ambien	Approved	B	L3

but as far as other meds im pretty much stuck on Zoloft if i decide to take it till i can find more concrete info on other meds.

Other then all that going on, today was a good day i had energy to clean some and ran a few errands, tomorrow i promised joss we would go to the library for toddler time. Im reading a new book.



so now im going to go try to sleep agian..if i cant ill be back online or reading my book.

a few decisions

i cant handle not being able to sleep because of medication, its worse then not being able to sleep because of flashbacks. so while i wait to get a appt withthe doc to change them yet again and demand sleep meds this time, i hope to start charting my moods while i am weaning off them again.

today was uneventful, we got in last night late and i was up last blogging, uploading pics, and unpacking things. then i was up all hours with balian and his 4 teeth that have broken skin on his gums but have done nothing else since then. joss was so mad at me for being asleep on "her couch" (loveseat) this morning.

the kids need some tough love when it comes tobed time, BAD... when amos was on leave it wasnt abig deal and for things like the 4th or yesterday its no big thing. but 10-11pm bedtime has to stop. im trying to be as constant as possible but i get angry when joss is falling asleep in my arms as i rock her, only to have her wide awake begging to go out and play when she hears a powerwheels outside.

both kids have runny noses due to the weather getting chilly and wet. i have all the windows closed but 4, *kitchen/vented, bathrooms/vented, and toy room/vented * only 2 fans goign for air cirrculation now.

i dont like being fat, i say this and i am angry at myself. *im having angry issues lately* i dont see myself as a big girl but pictures and my clothing says otherwise. i need to find a new lifestyle that i can fit with and not have it feel like work.

i had a tiff with amos over rubbing my feet this evening. and his lack of time management skills and how i feel guilty for wanting time to myself (since i feel so touched out) or a new pair of shoes that fit since im walking the souls off the other ones, but he gets at least 1 new pair a year or more if you count boots "since hes diabetic and his foot health is more important, plus hes inthe army and needs them for work"... i told him after i told myself, his getting his every whim and want stops, NOW...
ITS NEEDS BEFORE WANTS, MEMORIES before pointless shit. we have to much stuff and most of it belongs to the packrat amos.

im going to be tossing alot in the next few weeks, his stuff, mine, the kids... anything we dont use or have use of enough to warrent its space its taking is going. even if i have to put the kdis in the CDC for hourly care i will overcome this place and its stuff in the basement storage compartments. can you say thrift shop.... :D

wednesday the kids and i are going with amos to Landstuhl since he doesnt know how to get there. other then that most plans are up inthe air or the week.

taking it all forgranted

days like today i get a chance to step back and reflection things, and i realize i take a lot for granted. we went to

Heidelberg for the castle lighting and it was so awesome, we sat closer to where the car was parked so we wouldnt have to deal with the crowds or the kids* if they starting acting crazy and we had to go*, and although we didnt get to see them upclose and personal we got to see enough.

but we ended up meeting a group of friends who were traveling to germany to see where one of there husbands was born. cool people!! we gave them my name and email since they fell in love with our kids.

but talking to them i realized i take a lot of things forgranted. Mostly living in germany and how awesome it is, and my family (amos and the kids are awesome incase you didnt know). but really, i married mybest friend and he helps me the best he can. we have 2 amazing kids, and life is good on the grand scale of things.

i guess what im tring to say is i shouldnt sweat the small stuff as much, *but this is me talking after a long nap* so we will see how well i feel after i get insomina again.

writing my way to clarity: 9 months later

writing my way to clarity: 9 months later

9 months later

9 months to the day after having Balian i got my period back. OMG THE CRAMPS are killer, my mood is insane and i cant seem to say awake for anything... i guess i have to start tracking this and learning how to deal with it again. it was such a nice break. how i forgot about how crazy this can be is beyond me.

last night i was so tired and i kept wanting and trying to go to sleep but Balian and his teeth had different ideas.

and even though the screen for my IPOD Is broke i can still use it for music and to put movies/tv on so i downloaded a bunch of nick JR for the kids.

today we were going to go out, if we still will is beyond me, the guy who bought the car still hasnt come to pay us for it or to take it. so we are still short the 500 Euro for the car. still paying insurance in 3 cars (*the whole purpose of selling 1 when amos got the VW)

my Debt at large is now paid off. that only took forever. i now have NO MONEY to retire on. But im almost completely out of debt as of myself, then we can work on amos/family debt.

i took the kids to tombolinos today BIG mistake, we were only there 1.5hrs before we left. joss bruised her leg on something.. and balian got a bloody mouth. even though they both napped it wasnt fun. we had to hunt down amos to make jossy better.

im just so frazzled atm that im just writing about anything. i need to find a cooler layout for this blog. and i need to personalize it a bit more/

in evony i am now a baron and have 4 cities!!

30 hrs no sleep then sleeping...

Sunday night was the last time i slept making monday the last time i woke up till this morning... for 36hrs yesterday,

i just couldn't sleep and the few Power naps i took i wont even count as sleep since they lasted all in total of 15 mins. yesterday day evening i was dragging, exhaustion was taking it toll and i took 2 muscle relaxers to help, hoping it would. i passed out about 1030 and Amos got up and brought me balian when he woke to nurse, i know that because i woke up next to balian and joss for that matter. to bad im wide awake again and feeling the insomnia roll over me dragging my psychie away from sleepiness and towards annoying alertness with no drive.

im going to have to get these meds changed... im back to loosing sleep but its more sleep. sure im on a "chilled out/numbed" emotional wavelength so i can function better but my drive and my "give a damm" is bad to being gone...just when i was so glad it came back to.

as a mother and wife i am unable to indulge my whims like i use to. my family needs me to much for that. i so badly want to go to Heidelberg for the castle lightening this saturday, yet im already giving myself excuses for it to be ok if we dont.

i got my VA MGIB POST 9-11 in the mail, and i can now go to college for free ... only now i have to get my kids enrolled in the cdc so i can go school and study.

finally went swimming

it was one of those lazy mornings where it turns to near noon in a instant. one of those mornings where you have every intention on getting more done but nothing still is accomplished. it was close to 11 when we started to clean and pick up the house, having the kids take a nap at almost noon. amos was in the mood to scrub and i was in a tidy mood. we compromised and i was put on errand duty as well.

it was about 130 when i was back and things were gong great, except the sun was hiding and ruining our chances of going to the opelbad. till... we decided to go to the thermal bad. well when joss awoke and heard we were going to the swimming pool she went berserk.. when we got the the pool she was happier then a clam.

we stayed a the pool for about 3hrs, joss started to doggy paddle herself between amos and i when we were kicked out of the kiddy pool area so they could do water aerobics. Balian did NOT want to wear the water wings and even though he was soooo tired he wouldn't nap till it was time to go home in the car. i really love the thermal bad but mostly because the water feels like a nice bathtub, not chilly like a regular outdoor pool.

well we got home and balian slept while i loaded the dishwasher again and moved the laundry over. the i started building my 3rd city in Evony (*a online strategy video game.*)

some days are just better then others.

oh the 4th of july, a day that has given me problems from the moment i was back from Iraq, and now that im in Germany, any Holiday that the germans feel should be celebrated with fireworks.

we cooked out, the kids played in the front yard, one of our neighbors came out as well. then we went to WAAF for the 4th celebration. we ran into a lot of people we know and had a good time.

then it was time for the fireworks. they were nice, i took pic and video of them while i held balian on my lap, holding him tight as the booms made bursts. only 1 truely got me, with that sound and its echo for a few seconds i was back in that Target of a building we all worked and slept in the building i start and end all my flashbacks in, the shaking windows/buildind with a boom as dirt and dust starts to fall from the celing overhead.

except for those few seconds i had fun. i think having my kids there to keep my attention on them helped the most.

joss had her hands over her ears and kept asking to go home , but kept telling us how pretty things were.

the day after once we all woke up from a very long night out, we canceled our plans for the pool and just stayed home and watched movies. ill be scrubbing tomorrow to catch up on 4 days worth. i get so lazy when amos is home.

i feel so broken

i went to bed last night about midnight maybe 1 am before i fell asleep, this is getting very normal for me. well at 2am i wake up in PAIN... i was having a flashback or the start of one when in my nightmare i went to block stuff from my face/eyes and i scratched my cornea.

the pain i woke to was a scratched cornea and the immediate tears and swelling that follow. i wasnt able to sleep much after that, i called the nurse advice line and they tried to get me a appt, but its a holiday weekend so my options were ER or go to the optometry clinic if it was open. lucky for me it was and amos helped get the kids ready and we got a walk in.

i got lots of drops on my eye for a significant scratch. my eyes were numbed, dilated, antibiotic, ect, a odd fact, i got a "band-aid" contact to help my eye heal... and i as told to be a vampire and avoid sunlight. so i have been, givng myself the drops every 3hrs.

i guess i am broken. its been about since i got my 1st flashback that wouldnt let me sleep for 3days. maybe i should do my VA paperwork for disability, so i can atleast always be able to get meds for myself.

well i thuoght i didnt

i guess i should of known better... i took the kids to the pool with a friend and we all had a blast, i soaked our skin with 50SPF sunblock and felt giddy that i didnt end up with a lobster like glow when we left 4hrs later. the kids even work SPF shirts that helped block the evil rays of "BOB"(sun) *** long story but thats a shout out to Myrah***

when we got home there was no evil sunburn headache that ive become accustomed to. it wasn't till after dinner when Amos made steaks on the new grill did i feel the warm touch of this afternoon.

Since it is a 4day weekend i had hoped be able to go to Tanus wonderland Friday since thats family day and 5Euro cheaper.

But...then after a quick look at the paper i realized that.

1. 4-5 July is a Roman Fest in TRIER!!!!!!!!!
2. 11 JULY IS THE HEIDELBERG CASTLE LIGHTING!!!!!!!!!!
3. i want to go to both so we will wait for Tanus wonderland.

we hope to be able to go back to Edelweiss this July with the Marriage retreat, our name is on the list when it opens to the BDE.

we have our tickets for the garrison 4th of July celebration, and a bunch of food for the 4th, Im going to test my meds by going to the fireworks, i think Joss will love them. and our talks of having a yardsale have been put on hold yet again. maybe we will get around to it before we move from here when ever that is.

im trying to stay as postive and present/furture thinking, though there are moments when i dont think it helps at all, and i think the meds are starting to give me a good baseline again. But atlas, you have to crawl before you can walk...

please done interrupt me when im talking to myself

i cant tell you the first time it happened but lately more and more then i willing to admit, i find myself in conversations with myself. that voice in my head has gotten to be quite vocal... i discuss everything with myself, dinner ideas, what i should do next to maximize my time and effort.

i had this Epiphany today when i was driving home from Mainz kastel. The radio wasnt on, only the AC In the car, i was soaking in the silance when... she started talking. now you must understand this voice is my alter ego, somewhere growing up i named her Josephine but i have changed it a few times since, now she is back tobeing a nameless "goddess" of my mind. only... she is about 40 lbs lighter, and a size 10. other then that we share all other features, well shes more patient and undertanding as well. maybe thats where all my "didnt i raise you better" went.

why am i even bringing it up, well i dont know. im glad its only 1 voice and the voice trys to help me be a better person. so for what its worthi hope i listen to myself.

last night i got only a few (3) hrs of sleep, i guess thats what i get for bragging. but even with no coffee and caffine i was prodctive today, even buying a propane grill for the 4th. i had a physical therepy appt but it was suddenly canceled by the clinic , so now i must reschedule.

i have a lot do tomorrow as well, get the mail, go swimming, clean and do laundry. but im most excited about swimming. joss loves the water and we are going with her buddy down the block. i just want to be able to get in the water and stay cool. to bad i know no matter what i do i will end up a lobster anyway.

snip snip

snip snip and away my hair goes.. today i cut it, it has never been this short excluding birth to age 4 when it was still growing. its just so refreshing, i feel great and i love it, even though people tell me i look like a totally different person now. its short and has a lot of versitility i can even mohawk it with gel and i will... oh i will.

amos goes back to work tomorrow and my day is packed with appts. things to do, bills to pay and general housework. im getting to feel back to where i was, like myself again, but for now i am still goign to play it safe with the meds and just take the smallest dose possible.

this morning after waking up and realizing amos let me sleep in till 10 was i love my husband.. then it was OH CRAP IM LATE... and i had to call and reschedule my physical therepy appt to later this afternoon.

well since he has to go towork i madehim go with me to the store we restocked everything, i have been relaying on my staples a bit to much and ran out of everything. so $540 later and the sheves are back to being stocked and the freezer over floweth. i had to promise not to let it get that bad again.

i just finished my book today, and i guess joss was mad i was reading she told me NO BOOK MAMA. when i put it down she told me thankyou. LOL Kids. im going to the libray tomorrow when im am out running errands and i will get a new one.

talk about random

the past 2 nights i have actually slept and it has been amazing. im have truely missed a good nights sleep. today i woke refreshed and ready, so i ended up being more productive today then i have been in weeks. . . WEEKS!.. I did laundry, dishes, sweeping, going to the playground, playing outside, reading a book, making dinner. these are things i would normally do but since i was in such a funk for the past 6-8 weeks it was a struggle to do anything, well more then 2 things a day instead of all of them in one.

the kids are insane i tell you insane, it seems sometimes that balian miss's joss more then me. joss is fighting sleep the best she can and even with biting her lips and bumping her head she would fight and fight laying down. balian is still needing to be swaddeled to sleep, and is unable to be moved once he does fall asleep.

i cant wait for payday, amos and i agreed that we can spend $30 each on evony. its a online game we both play together. i also cant wait for a minispa day for myself as a late anniversity gift as well as dinner and getting amos a present since we didnt get to celbrate our anniversity since joss was sick and out sitter was fired.

i started taking the new meds, but for now im going to stay on the lower dose and see how that goes, instead of upping it on saturday to double what it is.

we are going to try to get in on the next marriage retreat to garmish again. i hope when amos goes back to work its not full. if we can we will drive this time and take out bikes instead of going by bus.

i still need to find a hair style i like, i have 60E to go get it cut. ive wanted my hair cut for a long time im just so tired of having the same style since high school and beyond. i need a change and my hair is the place to start it grows back if i dont like it.

Finding my center is harder each time

Ive just stared at this bottle of meds all day, and havent taken the 1st one. Maybe im just not that confidant in it just yet. Maybe i just need to Google Citalopram A BIT MORE... before i take it, since i have no idea about this med. only that its similar to Zolft and its top side effect is trouble sleeping, and being on and off Zoloft for 5+yrs means that those feelings of being lost and hopeless ment i hit a wall and it was the meds working against me, *at which point i did a reverse and weaned myself off the Zoloft and have been off it for a week now, starting to feel kinda normal again.

i do feel like i did the right thing, i went to the doc the moment i realized that it wasn't me making me feel like that, it was the meds and i needed to change. though i dont really trust myself without medication at this point.

the Insominia i suffer from is from to many things to leave me to my own devices. Im still startling at any big sound, im still cant get that string of days and nights out of my head, seeing those images, but ive stopped therapy because that just made it 100X's worse, avoidance for me at this point is the easiest thing. ive talked to amos, and was completely honest when i said, at the point i am (*this was 2 weeks ago) if it wasnt for our kids and me wanting to be the best mom i can for them, i would just commit myself to the nearest psych hospital till i felt ok again or felt like i had a vacation and relaxed.

sleep is the luxury i want more then anything, its not the kids keeping me up, its everything in my head. The sleep ive been getting (sleep thats lasted more then 4hrs a night) has come from being on PEROCOCET to help with the shoulder pain i have where my entire arm goes numb and tingles sometimes for hours on end.

im so thankful that the kids sitter is able to watch them again. (since im EFMP i get 40hrs per kid paid childcare). *(she took 2 months of leave to sort out a issue the program was having*)... and maybe having no time to myself added to all the overwhelmed feeling i had. but the insomia was there since feb. im just glad im not having nightmares, HAHAH they only come when you sleep. looks like irony to me.

i feel so broken right now, and i just want to pick of the pieces of me and put myself back together so i can function again and not be dependent medication to get through the day.

I have a small list of things im going to do now to give time back to myself to focus on centering.
1. blog * getting it out and being able to go back and read it later has always helped me, why i stopped i dont really know.
2. read, i love to read and just haing a story going to focus on gives me a needed distraction.
3. yoga, or at least meditate its helped in the past no harm in trying it agian.
4. remember ...

Lets start here...

since ive stopped blogging on myspace, ive suffered more sleep deprived nights then i have hoped. i gave it (blogging) up to get more time to sleep. so now here i am at it again trying to use this as a place to rid my mind of its clutter, or to Write my way to clarity.

Lets journey together to see where it takes us...

1. i start new meds on friday #1 sideeffect is sleeplessness. UMM im allready have that problem thanks.

2. the physical therepy for my shoulder is awesome.

and now its time to make dinner