i cant handle not being able to sleep because of medication, its worse then not being able to sleep because of flashbacks. so while i wait to get a appt withthe doc to change them yet again and demand sleep meds this time, i hope to start charting my moods while i am weaning off them again.
today was uneventful, we got in last night late and i was up last blogging, uploading pics, and unpacking things. then i was up all hours with balian and his 4 teeth that have broken skin on his gums but have done nothing else since then. joss was so mad at me for being asleep on "her couch" (loveseat) this morning.
the kids need some tough love when it comes tobed time, BAD... when amos was on leave it wasnt abig deal and for things like the 4th or yesterday its no big thing. but 10-11pm bedtime has to stop. im trying to be as constant as possible but i get angry when joss is falling asleep in my arms as i rock her, only to have her wide awake begging to go out and play when she hears a powerwheels outside.
both kids have runny noses due to the weather getting chilly and wet. i have all the windows closed but 4, *kitchen/vented, bathrooms/vented, and toy room/vented * only 2 fans goign for air cirrculation now.
i dont like being fat, i say this and i am angry at myself. *im having angry issues lately* i dont see myself as a big girl but pictures and my clothing says otherwise. i need to find a new lifestyle that i can fit with and not have it feel like work.
i had a tiff with amos over rubbing my feet this evening. and his lack of time management skills and how i feel guilty for wanting time to myself (since i feel so touched out) or a new pair of shoes that fit since im walking the souls off the other ones, but he gets at least 1 new pair a year or more if you count boots "since hes diabetic and his foot health is more important, plus hes inthe army and needs them for work"... i told him after i told myself, his getting his every whim and want stops, NOW...
ITS NEEDS BEFORE WANTS, MEMORIES before pointless shit. we have to much stuff and most of it belongs to the packrat amos.
im going to be tossing alot in the next few weeks, his stuff, mine, the kids... anything we dont use or have use of enough to warrent its space its taking is going. even if i have to put the kdis in the CDC for hourly care i will overcome this place and its stuff in the basement storage compartments. can you say thrift shop.... :D
wednesday the kids and i are going with amos to Landstuhl since he doesnt know how to get there. other then that most plans are up inthe air or the week.
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I hate to hear you are having a hard time with your meds. I can imagine not getting any sleep contributing to your anger. It could make anyone irritable.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think you look great. You had two awesome babies and are working hard to raise them. It's so easy to forget about ourselves.
I totally get you on the clutter. I am always catching myself going to the store and buying little crap that I don't need. Joel does it too. So I've been practicing self control and instructing Joel does the same. I have also been giving away/selling/trashing a lot of things. We have debt and our money could be going to that, not useless clutter.
I wish you so much luck on clearing out your house, mind, body and soul. It is tough.